Warm Horizon

Notes from Jim

For readers who have become nervous from, and perhaps have identified with, the described predicament, please let go of your anxiety and consider the following: A large percentage of society is composed of individuals who fall in this category. And my grandmother was a great example.

My grandmother grew up on a farm in upstate New York. She was as quick-minded as any person I have known. She was, I will admit, a bit resentful of herself (her self-worth was obviously low, in her estimation) and sometimes of tasks she felt obligated to complete. When she was young, she was a scholar at a time when girls were not expected—much less encouraged—to excel academically. In brief, she competed for a college scholarship via testing on three different levels (apparently)—always with male high school graduates—and in every case won and advanced to the next level. Ultimately, she won a scholarship—to Cornell University and later another to Smith College, where she earned her master’s degree. Frankly, there was nothing she couldn’t do. Her resourcefulness was unprecedented—in my estimation. Yet she rarely, if ever, used any innate creativity, although she demonstrated tons of ingenuity. She made her decisions based on recollections from the past. And she loved to play “isn’t that terrible” (that infamous game of dwelling on any negative situations one can think of) with anyone who would listen or also play, which was one of the few sources of difficulty I had with her.

But I will tell you one thing: I sure loved my grandmother. When I learned that she had suddenly died, I felt as if my heart had somehow been exposed and hit directly with a sledgehammer—mostly, I think, because she died alone and without me to help her. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been caught off guard, since she had remarked during my visit three days earlier that “I’ve heard that sometimes before people die, they know a few days ahead of time.” When I asked her if she was sensing that, she nodded—but after talking with her about it a bit, I dismissed the idea.

Well there you have it. The best example I know of an individual who experienced significant emotional trauma—trauma associated apparently with the presence of a sister born only a couple of months after Grandmother’s first birthday—before even beginning to understand her separateness from others. I have given you this story in its entirety so that you can see that she was impressive, even though her personality reflects the evidence of her early trauma. Of what exactly did it consist? Who knows? She certainly didn’t.

So what are some indicators of the effect of her early trauma? For one, she never allowed herself much attempt at genuine creativity and likewise never gave her self much expression. Giving, to her, was mostly complying. And, naturally, she found very little capacity for insight into her or anyone else’s issues. She lived by her memory and was the “eternal recaller” when it came to conversation. She operated readily through the selves of others but rarely from her own. But she sensed her own death. Didn’t she?

Let’s not forget that if the shame mechanism in its premature state responded to fear with biochemical alteration, later in life our shame response is likewise activated by shame-based thoughts—of unacceptability—in everyday situations, regardless of the existence of depression. And, actually, that is the point behind our Section I article—namely, that the shame phenomenon is in effect at all times to exert its influence by essentially shutting us down at opportune times of surprise. Can we come up with some notable examples to make this point totally clear?

Of course, I have already offered some at the beginning of the Section I article. But what about stage fright? If that is a problem, is not the related inability to think, remember, or function routinely an example of being shut down by sudden shame anxiety? Would not the ingredients for the shame experience listed in Section I all apply to cases of stage fright? I think so.

But what about groups? Is not collective shame exhibited by unified groups sharing a common identity? Consider a football game. Have you ever noticed how one of the two teams will go from being in control and outplaying the other to the point of extreme ineptitude? Perhaps that team’s players will display obvious disability when it comes to fundamental play such as catching, blocking, or simply reacting normally. It is as if those players are struggling just to function at all. In my opinion that is exactly what is happening. They are disoriented and lacking in their normal levels of coordination. Yes, they are battling inner shame—probably from some unexpected negative occurrence, such as failing to succeed at something they were sure they would. And their shame has become more imposing than the opposing team.