Warm Horizon

Notes from Jim

This is simply a possibility, not a hard and fast rule. There is no reason to become worried if you have an anxiety problem with your depression and have read the passage in question but are at a loss to determine whether you behave compulsively. The compulsive behavior referred to in that passage is merely a common example. Again, the potential value of the information in this program is that it provides a satisfactory understanding of the phenomena it discusses, not that it can reliably provide for self-diagnosis.

I actually overheard a man relating this very predicament to another. And I found the location of his conversing impressive—it occurred on a cross-country flight from Atlanta to Orange County, California. The man was admitting his anxiety but, at the same time, noting how much less a problem it had become. (So progressive exposures to the situations that bring high anxiety will usually result in a progressive reduction of anxiety level. But be careful with this if you are considering trying this technique for your problem.)

This may very well be the case. Family members or co-workers who exhibit sudden and/or unpredictable behavior naturally may serve to aggravate anxious tendencies. Certainly, if those around whom we live our lives are characteristically anxiety-provoking for us, making significant improvements will be difficult—but definitely possible.

Furthermore, life situations that we encounter as adults are almost always reflective of those we encountered as children. It is probably most helpful to view such situations as ones that we need in our lives. Thus, we are presented with the opportunity (or necessity) for dealing effectively with the problems of that situation and that overcoming them is something we need to accomplish at some point.

But let’s not forget that our anxiety issues are coming from within us—not from outside. And while our life situations will likely give us clues as to how those issues were generated, the greatest help we can give ourselves is by doing the internal work necessary to resolve our anxiety.

As a ten-year-old I was quite egotistical. I had a father who had been a major college athlete and who naturally remained very competitive (in most arenas) through his middle adulthood. And in that most of the kids in my neighborhood were a bit older than I, I had opportunities to play sports with older kids. Two of those boys in particular—one next door—spent significant one-to-one time with me playing baseball, basketball, and forms of football.

The result was that I developed the fundamental skills needed for playing those sports much as do some children who have older brothers or sisters who “lead” them to do so at earlier ages than they otherwise would. Therefore, I found myself more skilled than all but perhaps a couple of the boys (out of at least seventeen) in my class. (I supply you with this information so that the extent to which my ego was “primed” for what transpires will be understandable.)

When out with the class at recess for softball, I found myself joking around with one of the boys with whom I seldom associated. He was a goofy kind of kid who seemed more interested in horsing around than in participating in the softball game. And, indeed, I had never known him to be interested or skilled in any sport.

At any rate, I found myself—almost without realizing it—half-heartedly engaged in what was becoming increasingly physical horseplay with this boy of whom I knew little. Abruptly, it occurred to me that I might enjoy a little impromptu wrestling match and putting him to the ground. After all, this was a kid—unskilled in sports—who was presently exhibiting his usual goofiness. Surely, I would encounter only minor difficulty accomplishing such an objective. So I “went for it” confidently.

As you have likely already surmised, to my shock and subsequent feeling of stupidity combined with humiliation, I could not do it. My essentially unknown rival was too strong for me and was able to do to me that which I had elected to do to him. And he hounded me for months about his obvious conquest. (Note: Perhaps our most extreme degree of shame will usually result when we fail to accomplish that which we are sure we will. And the effect that this experience had on me is an excellent example of that fact. Thus, if you review Section I of Chapter 4, be assured that all of the ingredients delineated as comprising the shame experience were indeed a part of that experience of mine. I include this story here because it had tremendous negative impact on me in my pre-adolescent and adolescent years.)